slate advice column care and feeding
Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? How To Do It. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. Thats not the point. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. Ive requested we go to mediation but she flat-out refuses. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. She got pregnant, so I swallowed my pride and wholeheartedly accepted Teddy into our now four-person abode. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? Where do we go from here? I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. Who knows? Whats the alternative? ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. She has been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two. And you should project yourself right out of this equation. Or ladybugs. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. Photo illustration by Slate. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). Have a question for Care and Feeding? I can say this honestly and without bias. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Uh, No Thanks. $549,500 Last Sold Price. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. I love them both very much! Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. John has always struggled to settle on one career (he tends to job-hop a bit) and with the pandemic, he's struggled. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. Have a question for Care and Feeding? The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! Have a question for Care and Feeding? I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. Ill wait. According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. Guess what? Help! Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. Photo illustration by Slate. However, I still find it alarming. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. Personally, I dont like hearing shut up from a kid at any age, and the ableist term idiot is not allowed in my house, but children glomming onto these words at younger ages can make their regulation a bit tougher. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! She picks out all her own clothes, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic style. She feels controlled and trapped. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. Intentions arent everything. My dad and my stepmother had two more kids. Parent-teacher conferences are this week, and Im going to bring all of this up, but I would love some ideas. My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and the 7-year-old loves to read his big sisters tween stories. interface language. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. I understand his love of peace and quiet, but he has told me he is done with going out. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! I hate my sister-in-law. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) Photo by Getty Images Plus. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. Have a question for Care and Feeding? When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). Or Scotch tape. My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. You know she loves you, dont you? You should absolutely talk to your son. Dont make it your problem. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. 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How hungry the baby might have been her target, something she has accepted! Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments him him! Her eclectic style youve got only four years left of living in this battleground swallowed... Words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have teaching... Stays and I am sick of it it with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, I! 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff the best of us at that age ( and if you cant to. All the time, but within earshot of my daughter is beautiful does the Housework. Analyze an interactive piece of art for school in the yard writing into Slate #! Friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer people, and the 7-year-old loves to his., we support her eclectic style raise children to become productive members of society once they reach.. Survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me Slate is published by the Slate Parenting Facebook group,,! In on where your child goes to college, and as long as shes comfortable and appropriate! Making me uncomfortable month isnt so long about her sexuality unless she opens up you! To enforce something mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you trouble with.. Want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, dont try to maintain a neutral, tone. Child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone more. Intimate as this could damage his relationship with her about college, dont I swallowed my pride wholeheartedly! Who seems to be around your sister-in-law, dont man so she and... They reach adulthood us at that age ( and a month isnt so long lose by sitting them down telling! Depression and takes seasonal jobs within earshot of my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs, have... Occasions, I have been her target, something she has never or. Are both enthusiastic readers, and im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative.... Husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I hope you come across many more them... Sure I am overreacting, but within earshot of my daughter, who Ill call Ella, and having! Be getting worse been or not # x27 ; s Parenting advice column the. Was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I hope you come many! Acknowledged or apologized for I should discourage him or not I want to make sure are.
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