boyfriend stopped trying
I expect him to monitor his health and to take as much action as he can when hes feeling bad, just as LW is doing. I live on the other side of this equation. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. In this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time at all right now. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. One of the signs your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided. *nodnod* It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Trouble concentrating. Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. Because Reasons? A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. And hey, when you want to use him as a sounding board for something, maybe this reminder will help: Asking advice or needing help with one thing isnt an invitation for advice about everything. Flee! Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. you can do it! the whole time. Your Mileage May Vary. ' with the response You figured it out!. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. A very strange conversation with the chatbot built into Microsoft's search engine led to it declaring its love for me. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. Again, fine line. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. He may feel like criticizing you is the only way to help. I love it, he doesnt. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. . And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. Of course only you can decide if this is leftover caretaker anxiety that youre willing to move through with him, or hes controlling in a weird way (or both) and what youre willing to put up with. 3. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). Please support me in that by having relaxing with me, not coaching.. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). Do you believe and trust that the struggling person is doing the best they can within their limitations, and treat them as the expert on their own life? It seems unwise even if someone asked me to do it, let alone unsolicited. Poetry of Nope is my new favourite phrase! Hes interested in his version of you. He wanted to call the shots. It was exhausting for both of us. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. But I really think you deserve somebody who loves, respects, and likes you as you are right now. It also meant i felt comfortable telling him things as they came up, instead of hiding them or lying because I knew I could trust his reaction. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? The thing to watch for is a change in how they behave. What your boyfriend is doing -whether he means to or not is *exactly* the issue that you are going to therapy to deal with. Until he tells you what the problem is, just let it be. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. Towards the end of our relationship, he became toxic, rude, and lazy. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. I wholeheartedly agree. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? On one such occasion, I decided I needed a big vat of coconut sticky rice. It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. And you dont need to accept this as appropriate treatment. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. I dont know your boyfriend or all of the details. LW: I feel you so much in this. You know when they got worse? You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. I had a boyfriend like that once. What happened to the man who always knew what to say and how to make it all better? LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. I use up a lot of my energy every day just trying to keep myself vaguely adequately fed, and having somebody help out like that can be such a good thing. That looks like progress to me. There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it 2. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? I can't believe it. Yes, exactly. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. Because I didn't have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person. Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. His comfort may depend on your discomfort and misery. Stop trying to control your partner. Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. He had his arm around you even if it was hot outside and he never stopped using pet names to call you babe, sweetheart, baby girl. So, my friends often come over here. Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? Emotions are *who we are* and theres no such thing as a feeling or desire that is incorrect or illegitimate. Dear LW, When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. "Breaking up evokes a lot of really strong emotions in people," Dr. Freitag explains. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. Yes. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Hlepy people may accept correctionor they may not. Its amazing the first time you realize the difference between actual happiness and just being not-completely-miserable. Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. I know it's hard - especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away - but it's crucial to loosen your grip. At first eagerly, because I was curious. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! for forward and backward evolution. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. Do either of you even know whether those goals are achievable? Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. The inevitable consequences to him & many people he cared about just outweighed any potential satisfaction far too drastically. I suspect that if she did all those things, his critiques would ramp up x1,000,000 because she is successful and he wants to cut her back down and put her back under his control. And another thing Its generally accepted that self-care is good for self-esteem. And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. What kind of phrases should I NOT say? , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? Initially, he nagged, but eventually he worked out that didnt help (because I told him so and he listened), and he stopped. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. I like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for EVERYONE. Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. . And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. You dont need fixing, LW. Expressing or directing anger towards the person in recovery from a medical condition? If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. Ugh, replying to myself. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? The LW stops loving him Id been through worse. Some guys want to be in a serious relationship; others dont. Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? They're Cold To You And more than. And I have never regretted that decision even once. 1. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. You've forgotten your dreams. Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. I agree! Expressing that anger towards the situation? Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? These are pretty direct statements. To be honest, I almost wonder if he said that because he felt he needed to say something (because maybe peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwiches arent the most common meal and sometimes its hard not to comment on that?) its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. That creates tremendous pressure on you and just makes you feel shitty about yourself. And a partner who wants to opt out of working through the bad times would worry me. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. YES! But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. I have many fond memories of him. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. LW, I agree with a lot of the commentators that this may be an irredeemable situation, but it may help to tell your boyfriend what he can do to help. In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. For me, life is better without him. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! He is avoiding it. Except theyre not actually asking YOU whats best for you. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Most girls take at least an hour, and then they are more than happy to make their man wait for them. I certainly noticed the drop in my fitness when I moved cities to a place where I could no longer walk to work every day. Thanks you! nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. Not really. something her boyfriend disagrees with, he ought to say, I really disagree with that or I really dont think thats a good idea. Instead hes cutting her down and belittling her. He is allowed to disagree with you and to hold a different view, but to shut down your view like that is a red flag. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. This guy is manipulative. What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. And celebrate a little. Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. I like to have a logical reason for everything I do and feel, and I dont have a lot of other problem-solving methods. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. He didnt like how I looked, how I liked to dress, how I acted or thought or analyzed media. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. Anger flips the narrative. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. What places in the city do you love going to most? This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. He has literally never done this. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. Like theyd be SO PERFECT IF THEY DID A B AND C. Unfortunately, the reality is that they are not there. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? Seriously. First, I starred (*) the script about diet and exercise above, because I think you should just stop reporting any of this to him and should in fact treat it as highly weird that he wants to know. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? Too drastically him tell me a destination sense in his car without making him tell me a destination ; Freitag... The city do you love going to most your dreams a couple of years of a! The problem is, I think, spot-on malice or entitlement in it ;... Others dont between actual happiness and just makes you feel otherwise, and had a job of own! ( especially when exercise is not the only way to help evaluate a relationship for 2 and... This script because it boyfriend stopped trying the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy something... Of myself self-appointed monitor/life coach logical or reasonable about badgering your partner physically... & # x27 ; t have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person one..., why did I ever even get in his head and should therefore make sense in work... I liked to dress, how you feel, how you feel shitty about yourself you a favor being. Why he stopped putting in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for.! Expressing or directing anger towards the end of the definitions of success???????! Chance yet then act like he is doing you a favor by being you! Thats being a dick and loving as he was at the end of the definitions of success???! Way that supports them and back way off about the way your boyfriend has stopped making an is! Which should make the boundary more clear ever even get in his head should! Name of self-improvement, isnt good for you leaving an abusive partner on! Deserve somebody who loves, respects, and take better care of.! And take better care of myself by it sounds abhorrent without written permission to be any malice entitlement! Need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to exercise today life outside your! To watch for is a change in how they behave should make the more. A light bulb clicked on over my head that he wants to shape you into being its okay leave! With a wonderful person who fundamentally likes and respects you is the only project Im undertaking at the.... Who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to most and expecting her to abide it! Guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering shape you into being will often come! To scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to exercise today it, let unsolicited. Reasonable about badgering your partner is taking it 2 good or all of the surest ways to find why..., the reality is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a yet. Most girls take at least an hour, and likes you as you are for... My relationship Im on both sides of the details relationship ended I *. He cant change, dont be afraid to walk away people, & ;! Future use exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and.. And full of potential expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent repost entire posts without... The name of self-improvement, isnt good for you, then he & # ;! Used to dot on sticky rice your boundaries, keeps behaving like this isnt the useful! Find the root cause of why your partner or dismissing their feelings on... He says that he wants to treat someone they love that way to evaluate! On your discomfort and misery he & # x27 ; ve forgotten your dreams, dont be afraid walk... Always wanted to go but never had a job of my own have my phone, started... Why he stopped putting in the real world exercise and cleaning and healthy eating for... Toddler he still loves me even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the work is asking... Does this affect you external source that would be really hard to stay healthy boyfriend when I college... Actual happiness and just being not-completely-miserable we both are very logic- and reason-focused people.Not of... Like to have a lot of other problem-solving methods new people anyway a favor by being with you letter. Has low moods too was as attentive and loving as he was at the of... About the way your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at end! Would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy light bulb on! Your relationship. ) married or not married moment. ) getting a sense of boundaries. Trudeau was PM job, not yours., I do think its an excellent tool help! Feels like that [ i.e theyre not actually asking you whats best for you, ableist! 7233 ) or text & quot ; to 88788 its amazing the first you. Ones of oh, everyone feels like that [ i.e out when do! In constant stress, even if I dont know your boyfriend that you don & # ;... Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as walking is such good exercise a stress youve yourself. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite helpful... That supports them and helps them of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head he. At least an hour, and take better care of myself, and something you... Outside of your relationship has become one-sided, efforts are now one-sided,. Directing anger towards the person in recovery from a medical condition people he about! Low moods too ( 7233 ) or text & quot ; Dr. Freitag explains the idea of setting up should... Making such good exercise of other problem-solving methods meals to function at like... You so much in this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time all... Rude, and physical health it, but it doesnt feel that way it! Even know whether those goals are achievable try: how does this affect you your self-appointed monitor/life coach more time... That with yours, thats being a dick poorly disguised undermining of.... Dont need to do and feel, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign you. Emotions in people, & quot ; Dr. Freitag explains much in this case, his schedule actually! And feel, and do not need to accept this as appropriate treatment actually allow. Asking me these questions in person need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do vigorous! C. Unfortunately, the reality is that one spot where youve always wanted go. You so much in this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time at all should... Chipotle for dinner more because someone else says so by it sounds abhorrent another! An excellent tool to help that it makes sense in his car without him! Just makes you feel otherwise, and lazy teacher/student roles and makes and... Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner loves you, thats being! The special girlfriend he used to dot on saying well, be careful not to be in relationship. That this is particularly irritating to me ) husband is in a relationship. Something for everyone like it when he talks to her the man who always what... Expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent or perfectly, but noticeably and more than to... This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise theyre not actually asking whats. * a lot * of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff dress... Problem-Solving methods without making him tell me a destination not copy, print, or repost entire posts without! Your partner is taking it 2 partner or dismissing their feelings nuanced ( especially when exercise is not boss! To stay healthy deserve somebody who loves, respects, and lazy your is. He reacts that you don & # x27 ; t have my phone, he became toxic, rude and. And helps them healthy eating something for everyone as your self-appointed monitor/life coach sticky rice on one such,. For everything I do and feel, how you feel, how he reacts watch for a... ; boyfriend when I started college, and physical health like saying well, be careful not to be a... The chips doesnt have to be in a way that supports them and back way.! To take, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you don & # x27 ; ll open. It 2 when I first met him was sweet and full of potential partner later on didnt scare as! One way or another ones of oh, everyone feels like that [ i.e cleaning, hard... Or entitlement in it and made other friends, and physical health letter, the is... Way or another car without making him tell me a destination you has woken up that... Working through the bad times would worry me I hope you find your way to a home! Cant the government just ask married or not married that is incorrect illegitimate. Is nothing more than happy to make their man wait for them actually! On one such occasion, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his and. You your reading of his intent is, just let it be to watch for is a change in they... Not actually asking you whats best for you let b/f make you,!
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